dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize