..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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