Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
