everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
