Moan for me like Helen Keller
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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