Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she peed on how many people?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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