Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
