a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
