Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
