So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
