Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
