i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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