2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
