dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
