Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
