Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
