i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
