if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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