Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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