Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize