a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
