saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ketchup is God's man juice
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
