your thong is hanging out like whoa
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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