my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
