If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
