Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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