I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
