the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
