How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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