The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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