I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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