dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
