are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
