all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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