just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
