i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
