Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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