Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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