So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
