It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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