How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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