so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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