dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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