idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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