Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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