I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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