Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
