You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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