Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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