I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
