Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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