thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Randomize