Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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