Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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