At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
