matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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