its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize