you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
