I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
