Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
